Along Those Lines

Chupee

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:52:00 -0500

I happened to mention a story I heard on NPR to my mother. It involved a supposed pumpkin shortage, and below is her response. No edits have been made, and make sure to pay special attention to the erratic use of capital letters and the part where the butcher holds my mother’s breasts. Aside from her borderline criminal behavior and clear middle finger to the establishment, the apple falls far from THAT tree.

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you were RIGHT!!! I went to Kroger and the shelves were EMPTY…so, of course, I totally freaked out. The manager said he HOPED they were getting more in, but he didn’t know when and that all I could do was “keep checking.”So I ran back to the store and called Harris-Teeter and they said they had plenty, so I raced over there and tho they had a bunch, there was a Big Sign, that said “Due to the Pumpkin Shortage, there’s only 2 to a customer.”So I grabbed my 2 cans, and walked around a bit, ordered Dad’s turkey breasts for pick-up next Wednesday(the butcher at HT is a diabetic, so he and I have had long talks about being on Special Diets and he promised he’d hold my 2 breasts…we’ll see if THAT works out).Then I started thinking I’d try slipping out with 4 Cans of pumpkin — what’s the worst that could happen, if I got caught? Would they really arrest me? Would I be spending Thanksgiving morning in a dank jail cell, eating chocolate cake as punishment? Would you all disown your Mom, cause she didn’t bring home the Pumpkin on Thanksgiving?I scooped out all the line checkers and got in the line with the youngest, most chatty checker…then carefully made light conversation, while she scanned my 4 cans (and even asked for Paper, so the cans would be hidden as I walked out of the store).And it WORKED!!!Crisis Averted!

The accent and the Speedo.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:47:19 -0500

The accent and the Speedo.

The old man still has moves.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:47:15 -0500

The old man still has moves.

Photo

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:47:09 -0500

You could even say he has a passion for efficiency.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:51:00 -0400

You could even say he has a passion for efficiency.

Shadows On Parade

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:49:01 -0400

Some of us take Halloween very seriously, even going so far as to plan our costumes 8 months in advance, while others leave it to the last minute. Whenever my brothers and I were at a loss for Halloween costumes, my mom would scramble around at 7:30 that evening, finally throwing us in a bunch of my dad’s clothes, labeling us hobos. My dad’s costume was the same every year: a lampshade atop his head. This worked because it was consistent and cost effective (my parents are in the lamp industry).

But once you move away from home, you don’t have your mom looking out for the well being of your costume integrity. Now you’re creating your own costume, which works to inform your behavior on Halloween night, and that is the root of the pleasure. But there are a few simple guidelines we should all adhere to when choosing a costume, and some essential tips to keep in mind when dressing for the big night.

The trick is to keep it simple. The leading rule in the decision making process is that your costume should not have to be explained. People will greet you, give the once-over, acknowledge your ingenuity and move on. Long winded explanations of your outfit are a drag in a party atmosphere.

Celebrities, politicians and historical figures are easy to effect because they are walking caricatures. Just remember: you are offering your own interpretation, not striving for the perfect imitation. This year, I am going as Cleopatra, which is simple enough to execute. But what if I stepped it up a notch and went as 2009 Elizabeth Taylor, dressed as Cleopatra?

Another approach is to go as something that was only moderately funny when it was actually popular, and is now so far removed from pop culture that it is now ironically funny. Case in point: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with a good ol’ fashioned Halloween sexy-off. But you’re smarter than that. Try going as a sexy something that is totally inappropriate to make sexy. Take, for example, a sexy Abraham Lincoln.

The smartest choice of disguise, naturally, is Scout’s cured ham in To Kill a Mockingbird. The combination of chicken wire and cloth makes it durable enough to keep her safe when being attacked by Bob Ewell. In fact, the costume is a barrier against harm, her sense of humor insulating her from the sullenness of the surrounding world. So remember to include extra fortification into your costume-making process.

It’s tempting to believe that by going out in costume we are all becoming characters of fiction. But, the truth is, we are always in costume because that is the human condition. Halloween is the celebration of that fact and our inherent plasticity. It is not meant to be a dark celebration, but a truly human one. We make ourselves -you picked your clothes, you picked your hair - and you are in costume right now.

She decides that fears need to be validated, and realism recognized.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:04:55 -0400

She decides that fears need to be validated, and realism recognized.

Photo

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 16:00:31 -0400

Get Color

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:56:00 -0400

…just last week, we saw the very first video image of Anne Frank, sitting at a window enjoying a moment to herself. As if her diary were not enough, this split second humanizes her character from the past. There she is, sitting in the sun, just like you.

Derrion Albert died on YouTube a week before the Ann Frank clip surfaced. In recording as many events as possible, the Internet is being used as a tool to measure yourself against time. Social networking reassures that we’re all still here. And it’s a bizarre mistake to believe that the Internet makes us lazy. Instead, it strengthens our neural pathways until, eventually, the mind becomes as built as the Internet.

Forgetting events means you overlook the impact, while remembering brings it back to human scale.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:37:12 -0400

Forgetting events means you overlook the impact, while remembering brings it back to human scale.

It’s important to have an awareness of the politics of exclusion.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 21:10:22 -0400

It’s important to have an awareness of the politics of exclusion.

Peco's Blues

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 21:07:48 -0400

I can clearly remember the first time that I was surprised by technology. It was 7th grade, when I was hanging out at Meg and Ellie’s house with Sara Jo. We’d spent the entire afternoon dancing around the living room, listening to 311 and No Doubt, and calling boys.

The main target of our desire, however, was not home. So we would bop around for a bit then pass the phone off to each other in hot potato style, taking turns at reaching him. Finally, our phone rang. It was the boy.

He wanted to know why we had called his house 59 times.

“No, of course not,” we lied, “Why would you think that?”

“Because my dad just got this thing called Caller ID so now we can see who’s been calling.”

60 Feet Tall

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 12:41:33 -0400

vintage Diane Sawyer

This Is Our Lot

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:15:00 -0400

David builds furniture from salvaged pieces of old industrial office supplies. For instance, he transforms a filing cabinet into a coffee table, repurposes vintage steel drawers with new hardware and, voila, there’s a piece of furniture for your living room that cannot be found at Ikea.

His studio is in Frogtown, a wooly part of Los Angeles that is situated between Echo Park and Downtown. The area is not as gentrified as Echo Park or Silverlake, and has a working class feel to it. So David’s furniture fits in well.

He goes shopping in scrap yards for material, using mixed matter for straightforward renovations. There are recycled frames and new surfaces and vice versa. It’s the ideal mix of old and new, building a minimalist version of your grandfather’s tool shed.

Twenty years ago, bottled water did not exist. Today, half your office probably refuses to drink from the tap.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:56:47 -0400

Twenty years ago, bottled water did not exist. Today, half your office probably refuses to drink from the tap.

Coming soon

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:56:18 -0400

Coming soon

The saddest sight: an ATM machine inside a casino.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:54:52 -0400

The saddest sight: an ATM machine inside a casino.

Majorly Masked

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:54:09 -0400

The man in the antique store said the graveyard was just around the bend, directly above a rural highway. Locations in New England are clumped together, condensing each road trip into hyphenated drives, so you are never in the car for long. But it wasn’t until we were halfway there that I realized the man was saying Coolidge, not Coleridge. It wasn’t nearly as exciting anymore, but I still toyed with the idea of Coleridge being buried across from a cheese factory in a small town in Vermont.

Violent Brave

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:53:54 -0400

He doesn’t remember this, because he was too doped up from testing, but the drive home from the diagnoses was a trip of gloomy realizations. At each pause, from the passenger seat, he would recall a food he would never again be able to eat. One stop light brought the recognition of pizza. The next was bagels. Then there was pasta and pastries. And so on.

Celiac disease: It’s a pretty name when you first hear it, despite the ‘disease’ clause. Celiac sounds like an exotic flower species, Crayola shade, or a concentrated spa treatment. It could have been a lot worse for a 71-year-old man. Cancer of any form would have been more painstaking than the nuisance of changing his diet. And his heart is still in check.

We are not forecasters.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:38:00 -0400

We are not forecasters.